32 Funny ‘Cheers’ Quotes That’ll Have You Doubled Over Laughing

In honor of Kirstie Alley, check out quotes from the show that launched her to stardom.

When we think of the show Cheers, we don’t just think of a classic ‘80s TV show. We also think of some of the funniest one-liners and quotes in television history. Not to mention, the stars who make those best TV quotes of all time land as hilariously as they do.

This week, Kirstie Alley—whose breakout role as Rebecca Howe in Cheers earned her an Emmy and Golden Globe—passed away from cancer. In honor of Alley, we’ve rounded up some of the funniest “Cheers” quotes that will leave you crying tears of laughter.

1.”I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?” — Norm

2. “It was a magical moment. You know, it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn’t a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.” — Carla

3. Coach: “How’s life treating you, Norm?” Norm: “Like I ran over its dog.”

4. “For your information, I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.”—Carla

5. “The point is you’ve got to get to know each other better if you’re going to take a big step like this. You gotta get past this early infatuation and get to the point where you’re sick and tired of each other. Then you’re ready for marriage. Look at Diane and me, we waited five years to get married. If it were up to me we’d wait another five.” —Sam

6. Carla: “There’s some things he doesn’t know about me.” Diane: “Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven’t you told him?” Carla: “Well I haven’t been completely honest about my kids.” Diane: “What haven’t you told him about your kids?” Carla: “That they live.”

7. “What’s the point of winning if you can’t humiliate the other team?” —Coach

8. “You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This’ll be the second one that I’ve cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.” —Rebecca

9. Sam: “What’s going on, Normie.” Norm: “My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I’ll blow out my liver.”

10. “Ooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack. I like it!” —Carla

11. “Women. You can’t live with ’em. Pass the beernuts.” —Norm

12. Diane: “Sam, can I have a brief word with you?” Sam: “I suppose you could but I doubt it.”

13. Woody: “Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?” Norm: “A little early isn’t it, Woody?” Woody: “For a beer?” Norm: “No, for stupid questions.”

14. “I don’t even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I’m very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.” —Norm

"Cheers Bar" featured in "Cheers" TV show, Established in 1895, Boston, MA., New England, USAJoe Sohm/Visions of America/Getty Images

15. Coach: “What’s the story, Norm?” Norm: “A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.”

16. “Sam, if brains were money you’d have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.”—Diane

17. “You cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.” —Carla

18. “Oh, now you’re saying that I’m redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!” —Frasier

19. Carla: “Diane, I heard screams.” Diane: “Oh, I dreamt I was being murdered.” Carla: “Was I the one who was murdering you?” Diane: “No.” Carla: “Was I helping in any way?”

20. “I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.” —Diane

21. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.” — Norm

22. Woody: “How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?” Norm: “Pretty nervous if I was in the room.”

23. “Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it’s really no fun lying to them anymore.” — Norm

24. Sam: “How’s life treating you?” Norm: “It’s not, Sammy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.”

25. “When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you’re just clearing your throat.” — Diane (to Sam)

26. “You know I don’t ask for much in this life; fresh fish, ten cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband, and the Sox in the series again before I die.” — Carla

27. Cliff: “Well Carla, it is common knowledge I’m scientifically handy. As a matter of fact, I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.” Carla: “And you’d still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn’t taught you how to open your cage.”

28. Cliff: “What a pathetic display. I’m ashamed God made me a man.” Carla: “I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging either.”

29. “I lost my dream job, and when I walked out of that House of Pancakes, I felt two inches tall.” — Rebecca

30. Candi: “What’s your name?” Frasier: “Oh, uh… Dr. Frasier Crane.” Candi: “I’m Candi.” Frasier: “Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an “I.” Candi: “Well, I used to spell it with a “Y” but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an “I.” You know, like Gandhi.” Frasier: “Yes, yes. I understand that’s why he did it.”

31. Rebecca: “Until I began eating clean, I never realized how a good a nice, dry rice cake could taste.” Woody: “How can you eat those, Miss Howe, they don’t have any flavor.” Rebecca: “Oh, if I eat these I will live longer.” Woody: “Well, I have a question. You know how you’re always talking about how you hate your life? How come you wanna make it longer?”

32. “How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?” “Poor.” “I’m sorry to hear that.” “No, I mean pour.”

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Jessica Kaplan
Jessica Kaplan is the Assistant Editor of Trends, where she writes lifestyle articles for Readers Digest, Taste of Home, and Family Handyman. When she’s not writing, you can find her listening to a podcast.