55 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes for a Sweet Giggle
Updated: Feb. 15, 2023
Get ready to belly laugh at funny Valentine's Day quotes that are rich in wit, sarcasm and clever commentary about love
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate that special someone in your life. You may look for the perfect gift, the most gorgeous flowers, the sweetest Valentine’s Day idea and even the perfect love song to serenade your sweetheart. Sure, romance is important, but you know what else is? Humor, and lots of it. That’s where these funny Valentine’s Day quotes come into play.
These sweet and funny Valentine’s Day quotes poke fun at love, relationships, marriage and other hilarious affairs of the heart. Share these funny quotes and witty words with your valentine and you’ll immediately have them in stitches. Then browse through these Valentine’s Day memes, jokes, pickup lines, and puns for more holiday humor. Enjoy the laughs—and the love!
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Funny Valentine’s Day quotes
1. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” —Charles M. Schulz
2. “Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on Feb. 13. Get back together on the 15th.” —David Letterman
3. “I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.” —Jonathan Swift
4. “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be … well, January.” —Jim Gaffigan
5. “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” —Pearl Bailey
6. “Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.” —Jimmy Fallon
7. “I love Valentine’s Day. When you’re a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It’s like, ‘To Tim, nice pants. Love, Scott.’ It’s valentines galore!” —Mike Birbiglia
8. “You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.” —Melanie Clark Pullen
9. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” —Albert Einstein
10. “Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” —Lewis Black
11. “Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.” —Sean Connery
12. “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” —Dorothy Parker
13. “I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.” —Robert Orben
14. “Valentine’s Day: rubbing singles’ noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time.” —Emma McLaughlin
15. “Love is a misunderstanding between two fools.” —Oscar Wilde
16. “Today is Valentine’s Day—or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!” —Jay Leno
17. “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” —Jules Renard
18. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
19. “My heart’s in the right place. I know, cuz I hid it there.” —Carrie Fisher
20. “The jewelry stores say, ‘Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,’ while wives tell you they love you with, ‘OK, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.'” —George Lopez
21. “If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.” —Estelle Getty
22. “Love is being stupid together.” —Paul Valéry
23. “No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” —Henry A. Kissinger
Get ready for the next holiday and read up on these St. Patrick’s Day quotes.
24. “The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine’s Day headquarters. Guys, if that’s your Valentine’s Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.” —Jay Leno
25. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” —Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
26. “I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” —Tracy Smith
27. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” —Jerry Seinfeld
28. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” —Lily Tomlin
29. “Nobody loves me as much as I love me, so I guess I’ll just be my own valentine.” —Adam Rippon
30. “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” —Zsa Zsa Gábor
31. “At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!” —Joan Rivers
32. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.” —Chris Rock
33. “I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.” —Rodney Dangerfield
34. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” —Melanie White
35. “He or she lucky enough to have a lover in frigid, antsy February has cause for celebration, indeed.” —Tom Robbins
36. “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” —Mae West
37. “I understood Valentine’s Day as a concept. The naked baby shoots you with an arrow, and you fall in love.” —Trevor Noah
38. “The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.” —Lewis Black
39. “I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.” —Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
40. “If I love you, what business is it of yours?” —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
41. “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” —George Burns
42. “Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.” —Stephen Colbert
43. “When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.” —Rita Rudner
44. “Love is just a chocolate substitute.” —Melanie Clark Pullen
45. “My life’s accomplishments? Sanity, and you.” —Elizabeth Gilbert
46. “Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” —Arthur Dewar
47. “If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that’s about as romantic as I can think of.” —Ryan Gosling
48. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin
49. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.” —Oscar Wilde
50. “There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy: her heart.” —Melanie Griffith
51. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” —Henny Youngman
52. “The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” —Blaise Pascal
53. “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.” —Charles M. Schulz
54. “First Valentine’s Day, 200,000 B.C.: Men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.” —Kristen Schaal
55. “All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card—American Express.” —Milton Berle
Now that you’ve got your fix of funny Valentine’s Day quotes, read up on how you should celebrate Valentine’s Day according to your zodiac sign.
