55 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes for a Sweet Giggle

Get ready to belly laugh at funny Valentine's Day quotes that are rich in wit, sarcasm and clever commentary about love

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate that special someone in your life. You may look for the perfect gift, the most gorgeous flowers, the sweetest Valentine’s Day idea and even the perfect love song to serenade your sweetheart. Sure, romance is important, but you know what else is? Humor, and lots of it. That’s where these funny Valentine’s Day quotes come into play.

These sweet and funny Valentine’s Day quotes poke fun at love, relationships, marriage and other hilarious affairs of the heart. Share these funny quotes and witty words with your valentine and you’ll immediately have them in stitches. Then browse through these Valentine’s Day memes, jokes, pickup lines, and puns for more holiday humor. Enjoy the laughs—and the love!

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Funny Valentine’s Day quotes

1. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” —Charles M. Schulz

2. “Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on Feb. 13. Get back together on the 15th.” —David Letterman

3. “I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.” —Jonathan Swift

4. “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be … well, January.” —Jim Gaffigan

5. “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” —Pearl Bailey

6. “Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.” —Jimmy Fallon

7. “I love Valentine’s Day. When you’re a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It’s like, ‘To Tim, nice pants. Love, Scott.’ It’s valentines galore!” —Mike Birbiglia

8. “You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.” —Melanie Clark Pullen

9. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” —Albert Einstein 

10. “Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” —Lewis Black

11. “Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.” —Sean Connery

12. “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” —Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker Funny Valentines Quoterd.com

13. “I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.” —Robert Orben 

14. “Valentine’s Day: rubbing singles’ noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time.” —Emma McLaughlin

15. “Love is a misunderstanding between two fools.” —Oscar Wilde 

16. “Today is Valentine’s Day—or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!” —Jay Leno

17. “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” —Jules Renard

18. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner

19. “My heart’s in the right place. I know, cuz I hid it there.” —Carrie Fisher 

20. “The jewelry stores say, ‘Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,’ while wives tell you they love you with, ‘OK, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.'” —George Lopez

21. “If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.” —Estelle Getty

22. “Love is being stupid together.” —Paul Valéry

23. “No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” —Henry A. Kissinger

Get ready for the next holiday and read up on these St. Patrick’s Day quotes.

Henry Kissinger Funny Valentines Quoterd.com

24. “The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine’s Day headquarters. Guys, if that’s your Valentine’s Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.” —Jay Leno

25. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” —Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)

26. “I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” —Tracy Smith

27. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” —Jerry Seinfeld 

28. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” —Lily Tomlin

29. “Nobody loves me as much as I love me, so I guess I’ll just be my own valentine.” —Adam Rippon

30. “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” —Zsa Zsa Gábor

31. “At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!” —Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Funny Valentines Quoterd.com

32. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.” —Chris Rock

33. “I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.” —Rodney Dangerfield 

34. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” —Melanie White

35. “He or she lucky enough to have a lover in frigid, antsy February has cause for celebration, indeed.” —Tom Robbins

36. “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” —Mae West

37. “I understood Valentine’s Day as a concept. The naked baby shoots you with an arrow, and you fall in love.” —Trevor Noah

38. “The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.” —Lewis Black

39. “I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.” —Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)

40. “If I love you, what business is it of yours?” —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

41. “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” —George Burns

42. “Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.” —Stephen Colbert

43. “When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.” —Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Funny Valentines Quoterd.com

44. “Love is just a chocolate substitute.” —Melanie Clark Pullen

45. “My life’s accomplishments? Sanity, and you.” —Elizabeth Gilbert

46. “Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” —Arthur Dewar

47. “If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that’s about as romantic as I can think of.” —Ryan Gosling

48. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin

49. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.” —Oscar Wilde

50. “There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy: her heart.” —Melanie Griffith 

51. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” —Henny Youngman

52. “The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” —Blaise Pascal

53. “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.” —Charles M. Schulz

54. “First Valentine’s Day, 200,000 B.C.: Men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.” —Kristen Schaal

55. “All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card—American Express.” —Milton Berle

Now that you’ve got your fix of funny Valentine’s Day quotes, read up on how you should celebrate Valentine’s Day according to your zodiac sign.

Kelly Kuehn
Kelly Kuehn is a former editor for Reader’s Digest who covered entertainment, trivia and history. When she’s not working you can find her watching the latest and greatest movies, listening to a true-crime podcast (or two), blasting ‘90s music and hiking with her dog, Ryker, throughout the Finger Lakes.