A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

Animal Jokes

Laugh it up with these funny animal jokes.

Looking for funny and corny animal jokes? Read our animal jokes for kids and animal puns such as our cat puns and dog puns that every animal advocate should have under his or her paw.

Rattle Snake

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you...

Sluggish Snail

Q: Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? A: He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.

Loyal Snake

It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake. —Roy Blount, humorist

Cats and Sentences

Q: How are a cat and a sentence different? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has a pause at the end of its...

Dry Penguin

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert? A: Lost

Faster Than a Snail

Q: What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back? A: Wheeeeeeeee

Cook a Gator

Q: What is the best way to cook a gator? A: In a crock-pot

Moving Fast

Q: What did the snail say as he rode along on the turtle's back? A: Wheeee!

Turtle Recall

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, “Why...

Lazy Kangaroo

Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A: A pouch potato.

Sleeping Dogs

On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded,  “Wait till they’re asleep.”

Inky Pig

Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face?

A: Because it came out of the pen.

Put a Ring On it?

A college girl was visiting my farm and noticed the ring in our bull’s nose. Intrigued, she asked, “Did you put that ring in his nose or was he born...

Milk Too Much

Why do cows never have any money?

Because the farmers milk them dry!


A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big “S”...

Laughing Stock

A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!

Dressy Alligator

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An Investigator!

Clumsy Fish

Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

A: "Dam!"

Serpents Plus Sweets

Q. What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert? A. A pie-thon!

Two Giraffes Are Driving

Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide? A: A giraffic jam


Q: What happened when the frog's car broke down on the side of the road? A: It gets toad away.

Animals With Smarts

Q: What's the smartest animal? A: A fish because they stay in schools!

Whale That’s Funny

Q: Why did the whale cross the street? A: To get to the other tide.

Hackers Beware

My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

Money Stinks

Q: How much money does a skunk have? A: One scent!

Bug Plus Bird

Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A. A walkie-talkie!

Pisces Plus Pachyderm

Q. What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? A. Swimming trunks!

This little dog went to the market

Q: What type of market should you NEVER take your dog? A: A flea market!

Dog breeds

Q: Which dog breed is guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes? A: A Chi-ha-ha!

Math for Owls

Q: What kind of math do owls like? A: Owlgebra

Over-Caffeinated Kangaroo

Q: Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee? A: She got too jumpy!  

So Much for Packing Light

Q: Why did the baby elephant need a new suitcase for her vacation? A: She only had a little trunk.

If Hippos Could Talk

Hippo 1: You look like you’re gaining weight. Hippo 2: That’s very hippo-critical of you.

Astro Fish

Q: Where are fish in orbit? A: In trout-er space

Elephant For Hire

Q: Why didn’t the elephant get the job he wanted? A: His qualifications were completely irrelephant.

Hope You’re Not Lactose Intolerant

1.     Q: If you have 15 cows and 5 goats what would you have?

A: Plenty of milk!

The Hardest Working Chicken You’ll Ever Meet

Q: How long do chickens work? A: Around the cluck!

Lazy birds

Q: Why do birds fly south in the Fall? A: Because it’s too far to walk.

Fishy Fitness

Q. Why are fish so good at watching their weight? A. Because they have lots of scales!

Leopard Lunch

Q. What did the leopard say after finishing a delicious meal? A. "That hit the spot!"

A Pork Sport

Q. Why shouldn't you play basketball with a pig? A. Because it'll hog the ball!

Charging Bull

Q. What's the first thing you should do if a bull charges you? A. Pay him!

Shellfish Loans

Q. Where do shellfish go to borrow money? A. The prawn broker.

Confused Dolphin

Q. What does a dolphin say when he’s confused? A. Can you please be more Pacific?

Get a Buzz Cut?

Q. Why is a bee's hair always sticky? A. Because it uses a honey comb!

Snail Fail

You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.


Q: What is black, white, and red all over? A: A sunburnt penguin!

The Big Apple

Q: Why do cows go to New York? A: To see the moosicals!

Vacay, Baby!

Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation? A: The baaaahamas

Beautiful music

Q: Where do orcas hear music? A: Orca-stras!

Don’t Have a Bird

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Animal Attraction

Q. What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day?

A. You’re purrr-fect for me.

Beary Funny

Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview? A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position."

Forgetful Dog

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks...

Sniffing Dog

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’.  Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog...

They Gave Me a Chihuahua

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy,...

Converting a Bear

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it....

Get off the Couch

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my...

Talking Dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.          “So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the...

Sick Rats

An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.

Good Grooming

Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had...

Catch Me If You Can

Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As...

Where Eggs Come From

When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs. While putting the...

Cool Cows

During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank. A...

All Opposed Say Neigh

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden  

Dolphin Spy Thrillers

A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy...

You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained...

Nevermore Relevant

Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if 
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SeanWhiteComedy 
(Sean Gilbert White)

Jay Leno on Pet Scams

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is...

Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

The Truth About Puppies

Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. @shutupmikeginn

Dog Mom Is Always Right

“We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom  Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill