Dad Jokes

Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. And each time, I’d tell my 12-year-old daughter, “A train just went by. Know how I can tell? It left its tracks.” I got a moan the first couple of Sundays. After a while, every time we’d pull up to the crossing, all I had to do was look in the rearview mirror and she would smile. My daughter is now a college graduate and lives out of state, but every time I cross those tracks, I think of her. —Mike Vanloo

If it was a blustery day, you could be sure to hear my dad remark, “It was so windy today, I had to wrinkle my forehead and screw my cap on to keep it there!” —JoAnn Evjen

My dad was not a jokester, but his fun side did come out once in a while. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game with a group from a local tavern. The game between the Sox and the Indians was in the ninth inning, with the Sox ahead by a run. I was having so much fun, I said, “I hope the Indians tie the game in the ninth.” The die-hard Sox fans we were with were horrified, but not Dad. He started cheering for the Indians to score, even as the men yelled, “Cut it out; you’re a Sox fan!” The Sox ended up winning, everyone was happy, and my dad and I laughed all the way home. I miss him tremendously. —Rick Brueckmann

My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.” —M. T., via e-mail

If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist says, ‘I need to pull a tooth, but I’ll give you Novocain.’ The rabbit answered, ‘Uh-uh! Not me, Doc. I’m an ether bunny.’” —Lisa Ann Turay

My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. “What’s this for?” I asked. “It’s to turn red lights green,” he replied. As we reached a red light, he pointed to the box. “Try it.” I hit the switch, and it worked—the light turned green! Only much later did I find out that it was his garage-door opener. —Heidi Berg

When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. The band was Hall & Oates, and this gag perfectly sums up my father’s sense of humor. —Matt Rizzo

My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. My dad would wait till she had put it on her nightstand and say, “Do you want to go to sleep or what?” Not being able to hear, she would inevitably respond with “What?” And that, my dad joked to me on numerous occasions, is the explanation for why I come from a very large family. —Mimi Wright

As my sister and I were counting the cows in a pasture, Dad glanced over at the herd and said, “There are 127.” “How’d you know?” we asked. He replied, “I counted their legs and divided by four.” Decades later, my kids give me the same look I gave my dad every time I pull that same gag. —George Brown

When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. On Dad’s first day, the friend took him to the production line where he would be working. The friend explained that as a diesel fitter, my dad’s responsibility would be to pick up each garment as it came off the line, look it over, and then hold it up and announce, “Yep, deez’ll fit ’er!” At least, that’s the story my dad told a thousand times. —Marybeth Martens Cobble

My Dad's favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no, peanut butter!” The next day, “Peanut butter again!” This goes on for days, until another worker says, “Why don’t you ask your wife to make a different lunch?” Joe replies, “I’m not married. I make my own lunch.” Whether or not anyone else laughed, Dad certainly did. —Ronald D. Stieglitz

One night, the phone rang, and Dad answered it. On the other end was an obscene phone caller. Dad listened for a few seconds before telling my mother, “It’s for you,” and handing her the phone. —Tonya Brantley

I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. She discovered that Mike O’Malley was leaving for America and asked Mike to look for Timmy and tell him to write to her. Well, Mike looked for Tim everywhere he went, asking many a man whether he was Timmy Dunn, but to no avail. Then one day in a men’s room, a man walked out of a stall. Mike asked him, “Are you Dunn?” The gentleman said, “Yes.” Mike replied, “Well, why don’t you write to your mother?!” When my 12-year-old brother heard Dad tell the joke for the hundredth time, all of sudden, he started laughing. “I finally got it!” —Susan Wall

Every year—every single year!— when we’re getting the garden ready, I can be sure Dad will say, “I’d like to grow seedless watermelon, but I can’t find the seeds!” —Christopher Fishbein

When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. “All of a sudden, the poor thing started running around the car as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he finally just dropped to the ground right in front of me.” I gasped, “Oh no. Was he dead?” Dad shook his head. “No, he just ran out of gas.” Dad was quite pleased with himself over that one. —Bill Woodman

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis. —Crystal Lowery

Ed: I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Fred: How bad is it? Ed: Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!

Q: How do you weigh a millennial? A: In Instagrams.

Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? A: Loafers.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, "You're speeding! Didn't you see the speed limit sign?" The man replied, "Yeah I saw the speed limit sign, but I didn't see you."

The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place that manufactures them,” I answered. “It’s called the ‘olfactory.’”

Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration? A: She draws a blank.

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next light. Just when it turns green, the driver slams on the brakes. The confused passenger asks, “You just ran two red lights; why’d you stop at a green?”

“I had to,” says the driver. “My brother might have been coming.”

Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

A: European!

"What did Mississippi let Delaware?" "I don't know, but Alaska!

The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric exams, he was given a discharge. He rode his Hog to the main gate, propped it up on its invisible stand and walked out. "Hey," called the gate guard. "You forgot your bike."

"No," replied the draftee, "I'm leaving it for the next guy who wants to get out."

“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.” “Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award? A. Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? A. There was nothing left but de Brie.

Q. Our wedding was so beautiful ... A. Even the cake was in tiers.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A. Frostbite

Q. I hate jokes about German sausages. A. They're the wurst.

Q. Dad, can you put my shoes on? A. I don't think they'll fit me.

Q. Is this pool safe for diving? A. It deep ends.

Q. Can February March? A. No, but April May

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.

Q. I'm reading a book on the history of glue. A. I just can't seem to put it down.

Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called? A. CELLphies

Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? A. Nothing, it just waved.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

I've just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

I hate jokes about German sausage. They're the wurst.

Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was too tired.