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A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

All the Jokes My Dad Has Made During Quarantine

I've been quarantining with my parents for weeks. As you can imagine, the humor situation has gotten out of hand.

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Isabel Roy and her dadIsabel Roy/

I have now been quarantining with my parents in Wisconsin for three weeks. We may all be going a bit stir crazy, but however low our stock of toilet paper seems to run, there’s one thing that’s not short on supply: dad jokes. Whether they make you groan or laugh, I thought I’d share my abundance of “dad jokes” with all of you.

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“Dad, can I unplug your phone? It’s almost full and mine is dying?”
“No, you’ll have to go to Rhode Island. ”
“For a new port.”

Conversations like this with my dad remind me of these working from home cartoons that we can all relate to right now.

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You know what you can do with 12 tortillas?
Have a case-a-dillas.

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You know there’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty more short jokes anyone can remember.

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What do you call 4 matadors in quicksand?

Quatro, cinco.

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What do they call it when someone sues over a cake?

We’re shaking our heads too. For equally bad groaners, try our collection of the corniest jokes we’ve ever laughed at.

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When we get out of quarantine, I want to go somewhere with a bunch of cans of coke. Like Mini-soda.

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“Dad, I’m going to do some yoga downstairs if you need me.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re adding some probiotics to your diet!”

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Why was the peanut crying?

Because he was a-salted.

If you’re like me and trying to get work done at home, you’ll really appreciate these working from home memes that are hilariously accurate.

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What does it mean when you find out the milk you just put on your Grape-Nuts has gone bad?
You’ve caught a cereal killer.

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What do you call a Reader’s Digest editor that puts out a lot of stories?
A major league pitcher.

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Two wrongs don’t make a right but two Wrights make a heck of an airplane.

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Justice is best served cold. Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

If you’re quarantining with your dad, too, might I suggest these 75 funny work cartoons that will get you through the week?

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Why did King Arthur always win the battles he fought after sunset?

Because his troops all had knight vision.

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One guacamole is equal to 6.0221415×10^23 guacas. One might even call it, avocado’s number.
While very few people might enjoy a good math joke like this one, there are plenty of clever jokes that will make you sound smart.

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Why were dinosaurs so big?
Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures.

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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because of the silent ‘P’.

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Where do you learn to make a banana split?
Sundae School.

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Why is editing a better job than writing?
It’s more rewording.

For puns much better than that one, look no further.

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How does St. Paul cut down a tree?
With the ax of the apostles.

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“Can you hand me some eggs? I need to come up with more dad yokes for you.”

For humor that isn’t so “dad-like”, try these funny Monday jokes that will get you through the week.

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What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

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You like to tell dad jokes but you’re not a dad. You’re a faux pa.

Here are some more of our favorite one-liners.

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him: a super calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

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You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.

This belongs with these bad dad jokes from Twitter you have to laugh at.

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What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.

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A frog goes into a bank for a loan. He ends up at the desk of Patricia Whack and says to her, “I want to borrow $500,000.” Patricia says “Well that’s a lot, the bank will need some sort of collateral.” So the frog takes a ceramic pig out its bag and sets it on Patricia’s desk. “Will that work?” Patricia takes the ceramic pig back to her boss’s office and explains the situation. “What even is this?” she asks her boss.
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.”

We’ve got plenty more where that came from. Check out our favorite 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

Isabel Roy
Isabel Roy is the newsletter editor at Reader’s Digest. She writes and reports on home, culture, and general interest stories. She graduated from the University of Wisconsin La Crosse in 2017 with a B.A. in Rhetoric and Writing.