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55 Funny Christmas Quotes to Keep You Laughing Through the Holidays

Looking for the perfect funny Christmas quotes to bring cheer to even the grumpiest Scrooge? These hilarious sayings will crack anyone up.

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Deliver the holiday humor with these funny Christmas quotes

The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, but sometimes, we need to lighten the mood a bit and share some laughs. Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to bring the humor around Christmas—including sharing funny Christmas quotes. Sure, there are sentimental Christmas quotes to share, but funny Christmas quotes can really bring people together by sharing the humorous ups and downs of the season.

We’ve come up with a list of the best humorous quotes to share around the holidays, from funny Christmas movie quotes to quotes about gathering with loved ones. Enjoy! And don’t forget to indulge in more holiday laughs with these hilarious Christmas jokes, funny Christmas songs, and Christmas memes.

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“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” —Bart Simpson. Nothing like some funny Christmas quotes to remind you what Christmas is really all about. Make sure you also remember some funny Thanksgiving quotes for next year.

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“Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” —Dave Barry. These funny Christmas quotes are so relatable, it’s scary. Speaking of going to the mall—don’t forget to check out these gift ideas for everyone in your life.

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“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying ‘toys not included.'” —Bernard Manning. The good news is, they can be used with practically any toy (sold separately, of course). If you’re looking for something to watch this season, check out these funny Christmas movies that deliver all the holiday laughs.

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“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” —Phyllis Diller. Here are some of the best Christmas party games to play at your next holiday bash.

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“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” —Ellen DeGeneres. Who doesn’t love a good Christmas appetizer?

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“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” —Shirley Temple. Speaking of stores, here are the stores open on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year.

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“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” —Victor Borge. We love this cheeky Christmas quote, but if you’re looking for other kinds of quotes, check out these religious Christmas quotes that capture the spirit of the holiday.

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“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” —Andy Borowitz. Thought this one was good? Check out these other funny quotes you’ll totally laugh at.

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“Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.” —Richard Lewis. Here’s a refresher on what is Hanukkah if you can relate!

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“I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” —Bridger Winegar. We don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing we need. These are the best Christmas songs ever.

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“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” —Unknown

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“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'” —Jim Gaffigan

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“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” —Andy Rooney. You could totally write this quote as a funny Merry Christmas wish this year.

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“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” —Melanie White. If you’re feeling a bit like Scrooge lately, these uplifting quotes can help put you in better spirits.

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“Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” —Samantha Bee. Keep the laughs going this year and share some of these Christmas puns that are just elfin’ hilarious.

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“I grew up on a Christmas tree farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I forgot to check one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of thousands of them!” —Taylor Swift

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“I planned out our whole day. First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.” Elf. Who doesn’t love a good Christmas film the whole family can watch? Here are the best Christmas movies you should watch during the holidays.

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“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” —Robert Godden. Hmm, hosting a nice tea party sounds like a fun Christmas tradition to start!

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“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” —Larry Wilde. If you don’t want a real tree this year, these artificial Christmas trees will do the trick.

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“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” —Robert Paul. You can even use this as one of your Christmas captions!

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“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” —Charles M. Schulz

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“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” —Bob Phillips

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“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” —Winston Spear

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“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” —Bridger Winegar. Keep this quote in mind when picking out gifts for your mom, dad, husband, wife, and others on your list.

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“Thank you, stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” —Jimmy Fallon

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“I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in a particular addiction: glitter.” —Eloisa James

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“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” —Stephen Jones

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“Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.” —National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

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“It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” —Craig Ferguson

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“That’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.” —Jerry Seinfeld

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“Next to a circus, there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” —Kin Hubbard

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“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” —Gary Allan

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Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” —Johnny Carson

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“The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning and the end of school.” —Alice Cooper

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“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” —W.C. Fields

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“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” —Phyllis Diller 

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“The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.” —Olivia Williams

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“Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.” —Frances Wright

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Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.” —Douglas Coupland

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“No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.” —Erma Bombeck

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“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” —Les Dawson

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“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” —Andy Borowitz

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“There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” —Conan O’Brien

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“I’d rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards.” —Paul O’Grady

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“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” —Johnny Carson

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“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” —Larry Wilde

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“Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” —Wendy Cope

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“Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.” —Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

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“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” —Melanie White

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“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” —Maya Angelou

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“There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” —Kristen Wiig. These ugly Christmas sweaters make us laugh, too!

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“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.'” —John Leo

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“Do give books—religious or otherwise—for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” —Lenore Hershey

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“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” —Robert Staughton Lynd

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“There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” Milton Berle

Kelly Kuehn
Kelly Kuehn is an associate editor for Reader’s Digest covering entertainment, trivia and history. When she’s not writing you can find her watching the latest and greatest movies, listening to a true crime podcast (or two), blasting ‘90s music and hiking with her dog, Ryker, throughout the Finger Lakes.