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A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

40 Funny Sayings That Are Definitely Worth Memorizing

If you’re caught in an uncomfortable or annoying situation, sometimes the best way to get out of it is by laughing your way out. Memorize these witty comebacks and use them as necessary.

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When someone presents a very questionable viewpoint

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. If you love funny sayings like these, read these clever, funny comebacks you’ll wish you knew before.

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Young cheerful happy girl smiling laughing with closed eyes over white background.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your friend complains about Weight Watchers

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.

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When you can’t stand to listen to someone for one. More. Second.

I’m sorry, I have to go. You’re boring me to death and my survival instincts are kicking in.

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Young successful businessman smiling, laughing over white background.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When Aunt Muriel asks when you’re going to have kids

I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny sayings.

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When someone makes a comment about your small stature

You know what they say—dynamite comes in small packages.

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Smiling emotional student girl laughing at joke, posing aganist gray background. Dark-haired brunette young female expressing positive emotions, happily looks at camera.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When Beyoncé concert tickets go on sale

My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.

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laughing manSolStock/Getty Images

When someone calls you weird or strange

That just means I’m a limited edition—I’m something you don’t see very often!

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Close up portrait of cheerful little kid with curly ginger hair and freckles laughing with closed eyes after hearing funny joke from friend.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your friends give you the single raised eyebrow

Don’t worry, if Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. You also won’t want to miss the funny sayings in these 14 hilarious cartoon puns that never get old.

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When you’re online-trolled by someone with terrible grammar and/or spelling

I’d be offended, but I’m too busy mentally correcting your errors. Get a laugh with the most hilarious typos that actually made it into print.

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Beautiful dark-skinned female with long brunette hair and broad happy smile wearing denim shirt enjoying good positive news concerning her promotion at work, posing isolated against white blank wallCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you’re told to get your butt off the couch

I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.

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When someone is bringing the mood down

Why be moody when you can shake your booty?! Here are some more happy quotes to boost your spirits.

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Happy cheerful young girl with bun smiling laughing over white background. Crossed arms.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you see motivational posters in your office

Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. For more funny phrases, check out these 50 cheesy pick-up lines guaranteed to get a laugh.

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When someone is oversharing their vast knowledge

Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

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Positive emotions concept. Beautiful happy Caucasian blonde woman dressed casually smiling broadly, showing her perfect white teeth, relaxing, closing eyes because of joy, spending weekend indoorsCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you’re stuck in a tough situation

Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.

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When nothing is going your way

Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.

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Funny friend tells hilarious jokes. Indoor shot of pleased happy african-american in stylish outfit smiling broadly and gesturing over chest during conversation, having nice talk with coworkerCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your friend acts overly ambitious

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? Here are our choices for the 75 funniest quotes and funny sayings ever.

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When exercising is a struggle

I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine! If these funny sayings are too real, check out these funny cartoons anyone on a diet will appreciate.

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Portrait of happy young beautiful ginger girl laughing. Off camera. Copy space. Isolated on white.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When he just can’t get over the breakup

If you can’t live without me, then why aren’t you dead yet?

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man laughingultramarinfoto/Getty Images

When your nephew wants an iPhone and AirPods for Christmas

When I was your age, I was psyched to get new markers.

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Waist-up portrait of Caucasian good-looking hairless male model with beard dressed in casual clothes posing indoors, laughing at someone`s joke during conversation. Man expressing positive emotionsCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your family is concerned about your weight

I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.

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When you’re eating out with health-conscious friends

My jeans say eat a salad, but my heart says eat pizza! Check out some of our all-time favorite funny sayings about food.

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Good-looking attractive female with long dark hair and closed eyes dressed in red sweater and jeans laughing at someone`s joke during conversation. Young woman expressing positive emotionsCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When people ask why you’re still single

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up. Check out these cartoons about love and marriage that are hilariously accurate.

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man laughingSolStock/Getty Images

When you’re trying to see the bright side

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!

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What nice time to live. Portrait of carefree attractive male student in white t-shirt, hearing funny joke, laughing out loud, feeling pain in belly muscles from chuckle, standing over gray wallCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you finally decide to stop procrastinating

I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.

25 / 40 Images

When you’re under some stress

A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure. Can’t get enough funny phrases and funny sayings? Keep the laughs going with these 47 of the funniest one-liners on the Internet.

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Portrait of young emotional beautiful girl laughing with closed eyes over white background.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When others second-guess your life choices

When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver. Don’t miss these cartoons that prove daily life is funnier than any stand-up routine.

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When your clothes are a little rumpled

I do all my ironing in the dryer.

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Studio shot of handsome european adult with beard and moustache, laughing out loud, stooped back, holding hands in pockets of jeans, over gray background. Guy watches stand up show on TVCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your family jokes about you being over the hill

Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.

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When you’re not a morning person

I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”—if it were a good morning, I’d still be sleeping and not talking to people! If these funny sayings sound like you, these inspirational quotes to get you through the morning might help boost your morale.

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Portrait of sincere young happy cheerful girl smiling laughing over white background.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your spouse addresses your late-night snacking

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?

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When those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

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Hearing out great stories from friend. Portrait of emotive charming modern woman tilting head, holding hand on face, laughing while talking with boyfriend, having date in park, wearing leather jacketCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When it’s time to get a haircut

I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. Check out 25 more clever jokes that make you sound smart.

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When someone won’t stop complaining

Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues.

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Funny smiling unshaven male wears casual blue clothes, being glad, expresses positive emotions, laughs at joke with closed eyes. People, happiness, positiveness conceptCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you’re contemplating the advancements of humanity since the dawn of time

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

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man laughing SolStock/Getty Images

When you need a break

My brain has too many tabs open.

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Inviting us come and dinner together. Portrait of positive friendly-looking attractive girlfriend in white t-shirt, smiling broadly and expressing good attitude while talking casually with coworkersCookie Studio/Shutterstock

When someone asks how you like your job

The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day. Don’t miss these 30 hilarious work cartoons to get you through the week.

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When your kid is bugging you

Want to know what it’s like to have the best kid in the world? You’ll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa. These hilarious true stories show how funny parenting can be.

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Close up isolated portrait of cheerful happy young man with afro hairstyle in casual white t-shirt smiling brightly, looking in camera with excited and joyful expression.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When someone calls you crazy

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

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When those pithy phrases have their limits

Whatever you’re doing, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.

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Cheerful happy young beautiful girl looking at camera smiling laughing over white background.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you’re asked about your religious beliefs

God created the world. Everything else is made in China. Now, take a look at these funny photos you won’t be able to stop laughing at.

Meghan Jones
Meghan Jones is a word nerd who has been writing for since 2017. You can find her byline on pieces about grammar, fun facts, the meanings of various head-scratching words and phrases, and more. Meghan graduated from Marist College with a Bachelor of Arts in English in 2017; her creative nonfiction piece “Anticipation” was published in the Spring 2017 issue of Angles literary magazine.