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47 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table

Embrace the humor of the holiday with funny Thanksgiving quotes your guests will gobble up.

Thanksgiving sceneEmma Kumer/rd.com

Gobble up these funny Thanksgiving quotes

Ah, Thanksgiving—the time of year when we get together with loved ones to enjoy a delicious meal and one another’s company. Whether you’re cracking Thanksgiving jokes or solving fun Thanksgiving riddles together, there’s bound to be plenty of laughs. Another great way to get the giggles going is by reading funny Thanksgiving quotes to one another.

These funny Thanksgiving quotes capture the humor in preparing a big meal, spending time with family, and of course, eating tasty food. Share them with your loved ones this year and debate which is the most relatable over dinner. Bonus: These quotes make great Thanksgiving Instagram captions too!

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart. Check out these Thanksgiving memes for more holiday laughs.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon. Read more funny quotes guaranteed to make you and your loved ones laugh.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson. Check out the best Thanksgiving games to play with your family this year.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.” —Kumail Nanjiani

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous. Looking to start new customs for the holiday? Here are some meaningful Thanksgiving traditions to consider.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James. Thanksgiving can be a good day to be dancing shoes, though—especially if you have these Thanksgiving songs on your playlist.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck. If you forgot the gravy this year, don’t worry. Run out to one of these stores open on Thanksgiving to grab it.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller. Check out these unique pieces of Thanksgiving trivia to share around the table this year.

Jim Gaffigan QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan. Don’t feel like cooking? You’re in luck—these restaurants are open on Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White. Need some inspiration? Check out these Thanksgiving blessings to read around the table this year.

Mitch Hedberg QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg. By the way, here’s why we break the Thanksgiving turkey wishbone.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis

Howie Mandel QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel. Something else to be grateful for? Fun Thanksgiving crafts.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley. Impress everyone at the adult table this year by breaking out these great Thanksgiving decorations.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner. Something that’s enjoyable all throughout Thanksgiving? A good Thanksgiving poem.

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” —Tom Swyers

Kenny Rogerson QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno

Carl Sagan QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” —Carl Sagan

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten

Jimmy Fallon QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham

Thanksgiving quoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce

Damien Fahey Thanksgiving QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey

Craig Ferguson Thanksgiving QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson

Laurie Halse Thanksgiving QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Pie makes everybody happy.” —Laurie Halse Anderson

Rachel Green QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown

Dylan Brody Thanksgiving QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody

Kin Hubbard QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard

Oscar Wilde QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde

Joey Tribbiani QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends

Williamader QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder

George Bernard Shaw Thanksgiving QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw

Robert Brault Thanksgiving QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault

William Jennings Bryan Thanksgiving QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan

Reba Mcentire QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” —Reba McEntire

Adam Sandler Thanksgiving Funny QuoteEmma Kumer/rd.com

“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler

Next, read these gratitude quotes that make you feel truly blessed.