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23 Funny ‘Harry Potter’ Jokes and Puns Every Muggle Should Know

How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron? These Harry Potter Jokes and Puns are perfect for every Harry Potter fanatic, wizards and Muggles alike.

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Chapter One: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Groan

Professor Quirrell walks into a bar, unwraps his turban, and presents the Dark Lord’s face to the barman. The Dark Lord orders a beer.

“Sorry, can’t serve you,” the barman says. “You’re already out of your head.”

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Q. How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?

A. Just one. He puts his wand in the cauldron and the world revolves around him. Magical wands may not exist in real life, but there were some “magical” things in Harry Potter that are real.

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Q. Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter to Facebook?

A. Because he only has followers, not friends. Check out some more silly jokes about computers and technology.

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Q. What’s the difference between a comma and Crookshanks?

A. Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause. If your friends are laughing at these Harry Potter jokes, check out these Harry Potter gifts for your favorite muggles.

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Q. Where can you find Dumbledore’s Army?

A. Up his sleeve-y! The biggest bookworm fans of these Harry Potter jokes will also appreciate these grammar jokes for unashamed word nerds.

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Q. Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad teacher?

A. Because he can’t control his pupils. The good news is, you don’t need a teacher to find the Harry Potter constellations in the sky.

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Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

You know.

You know who?

Exactly. AVADA KEDAVRA! Check out some more of our favorite knock-knock jokes.

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Chapter Two: Harry Potter and the Pub-Joke Prince

The barman says, “We don’t serve time-travelers here.”

Hermione walks into a pub with a Time-Turner. Here are some more funny bar jokes anyone can remember.

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A wizard walks into a pub…

…and orders a Forgetfulness Potion. He turns to the witch next to him and says, “So, do I come here often?” Potions can also symbolize other things, which you can find in the hidden messages in Harry Potter.

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Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a pub…

The first one says, “Sure is hot in here.”

The second one snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”

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A Muggle walks into the Hog’s Head Inn…

…with a frog on his shoulder. The barkeep says, “That’s pretty cool, where’d you get it?”

“London,” the frog croaks. “They’ve got millions of ‘em!”

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Q. What do you call a wizard with his hand in a thestral’s mouth?

A. A mechanic.

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Q. Why does Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?

A. So you’ll never know which side he’s on. Do you know the hidden meaning of Snape’s first words to Harry?

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Chapter Three: Harry Potter and the Puns That Were Too Bad to List at the Top of This Page

Madam Hooch walks into a pub. The barkeep says, “Hey, we have booze named after you!”

Hooch beams. “You have a drink named Rolanda?”

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Q. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?

A. They’re both cauld ron. Ron Weasely fans will double over laughing over this Harry Potter pun.

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Q. Which side of a centaur has more hair?

A. The outside.

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Q. Why does Voldemort love Nagini so much?

A. Because she gives him hugs and hisses. Fans of these punny Harry Potter jokes will love these corny jokes to give everyone a laugh.

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Q. Why does Neville always use two bathroom stalls?

A. Because he has a Longbottom. If you haven’t gotten enough of Neville and the dynamic trio, there are two new Harry Potter books to look forward to.

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Q. Why did Lucius Malfoy cross the road twice?

A. Because he’s a double-crosser.

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Q. What do you call two Quidditch players who share a dorm?

A. Broom-mates. Dorm rooms and college classes are even more fun in the college that uses Harry Potter to teach philosophy.

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Q. How do you get a mythical creature into your house?

A. Through the Gryffindor. This Harry Potter pun will make any Slytherin smile.

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Q. How do the Malfoys enter a building?

A. They Slytherin. Fans of Draco will appreciate this clever harry potter pun.

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Epilogue: Harry Potter and an Important Reminder…

Wizards who drink Polyjuice Potion are people two. Next, keep on laughing with more corny jokes or these funny science jokes.

Reader's Digest
Originally Published in Reader's Digest