30 Best Comebacks and Good Roasts for Any Situation
Updated: Aug. 10, 2023Ever thought of the perfect comeback... after the fact? Here are all the best comebacks for your sassy and savage future moments.
It’s not me, it’s you.
“That sounds like a you problem.” This is one of those good comebacks for when your kids are making their lack of planning your emergency. Parenting is full of humor, as these stories can attest!
This one cuts deep
“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” This one comes from Dorothy Parker who was the queen of good comebacks.
Combat an interrupter
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” This is one of those good comebacks for the person constantly interrupting you.
B.B.Quiet, please
“Did I invite you to my barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?” This is from The Clique, a popular teen series by author Lisi Harrison. Harrison ruled when it came to good comebacks in her writing.
Back to basics
“Well, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you.” George Constanza of Seinfeld dropped this epic line.
Hang on, I need to take this
“The (fill in the blank) called. They want their (blank) back” never loses. And is adaptable to just about any jab thrown your way. Personally, we’re a fan of @generalgreviousdatingsim’s “I need to take this call just hang on a second. It’s the circus. They’re asking for you. Apparently, they have a vacancy in clownery they think you’d be suited for.” Knocks em’ dead every time.
Lean in, big guy
Another comeback that doesn’t miss: “Oooh, you wanna kiss me so bad.” If someone is angry—or obsessed—enough with you, the insinuation that they in fact harbor affection towards you is all it takes to tilt a power struggle back in your favor. A little reverse psychology can work wonders.
Sorry not sorry, as they say
“This exchange happened accidentally between me and my boyfriend the other day and it’s been legendary for us ever since: After making an honest mistake he said, ‘Sorry I’m an idiot.’ And I, wanting to reassure him but failing miserably, replied, ‘Don’t be sorry for who you are!'” shares another Buzzfeed contributor. Given the frequency of mock-sorrys in verbal squabbles, “don’t be sorry for who you are” is definitely one to keep in your pocket. One of the funniest one-liners on the Internet, if you ask me.
Be specific
From Reddit user VigorousRapscallion: “I was playing a drinking game that involves rules being made on the fly. We had a no swearing rule, and then an insult rule, which means they were G-rated insults. My friend is up and I’m the insultee and, without hesitation, she says, ‘Your teeth aren’t as white as they could be!’ I was flabbergasted. The complete lack of hesitation combined with the specificity of the insult was devastating.”
When life gives you strawberry lemons…
This one might not be so universal, but whew, does Buzzfeed contributor hollisl4d528cac4 have one that’ll stick in your mind. “One day in middle school my friends and I were all coincidentally wearing either pink or yellow shirts. We got into a fight with a random girl at the park, and when we were walking away she screamed after us, ‘What are you gonna do, strawberry lemonade?’”
Who now?
Take a page from Don Draper’s book. In an episode of Mad Men, an adversarial colleague tells Don, “I feel bad for you.” To which Don cooly replies, “I don’t think about you at all.” Ouch. I guess that’s why they’re so mad.
Objection!
When a big-time lawyer rolls up on Erin Brockovich and blatantly challenges Brockovich’s knowledge and abilities, Julia Roberts’ character is quick to set her straight. The lawyer tries to save face with “I think we got off on the wrong foot here,” and Brockovich quickly counters with “That’s all you got lady, two wrong feet and ugly shoes.” Save it for the next time someone is rude to you and tries to cry “wrong foot.”
A pirate’s life
Remember when Captain Jack Sparrow, under threat of capture and arrest, takes a moment to deliver a devastating zinger? His arresting officer claims “You are without a doubt the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of.” “Ah,” replies Sparrow, “But you have heard of me.” There is no comeback like one that tosses your opponent’s words back at them!
Remember what?
“I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying,” is an annihilating one-two punch. An atom bomb you can just drop and walk away from.
The nuclear route
“Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.” And then watch this person’s eyebrows bounce up in alarm. This one is total warfare—only use if peace is not an option.
Sources:
- Thought Catalog, “50 Hilarious Comebacks That Will Shut Everyone Up (And Make You Look Like a Genius)”
- Mental Floss, “25 of Dorothy Parker’s Best Quotes”
- SomeEcards.com, “Breakup Memes”
- British Pathé, “Histories Greatest Replies and Insults”
- SomeEcards.com, “Confession Memes”
- Humoropedia.com, “99+ Really Funny Comebacks, Insults, & Burns List”
- Pinterest.com, @CrystalMarie
- Thought Catalog, “70 Roasting Jokes to Burn Bitches when the Middle Finger Won’t Cut It”
- Pinterest.com, “19 Fiery Insults to Send to Your Worst Enemies”
- Youtube.com, “Seinfeld-The jerk store called (the comeback)”
- Buzzfeed, “14 Hilarious Comebacks That Only Took People a Few Hours to Come Up With”
- Youtube.com, “Legally Blonde (4/11) Movie CLIP – First Day of School (2001) HD”
- Buzzfeed, “23 Times Tumblr Had A Weird But Perfect Comeback Ready”
- Buzzfeed, “18 Brutal but G-Rated Insults You Should Begin Using Immediately”
- Reddit, “What is the harshest G-rated insult you’ve ever received?”
- Buzzfeed, “18 Devastating Burns That People Have Had The Pleasure of Hearing”
- Youtube.com, “Don Says: “I Don’t Think About You At All”
- Youtube.com, “Two Wrong Feet in Ugly Shoes”
- Youtube.com, “Worst pirate I’ve ever heard of”
- ScaryMommy.com, “These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of”
