13 History Jokes Only History Buffs Will Understand
Updated: May 07, 2021Test your history chops with these hilarious quips.
Quit Russian me
Why was WWI so quick?
Because they were Russian.
Why was WW2 so slow?
Because they were Stalin.
Roman rules
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!” If you’re not into history jokes, test your smarts with these 36 math jokes.
An executive order
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. —Ronald Reagan
French fighters
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, “You’ll only lose it.” These are our 25 favorite military cartoons.
Forceful friends
Fidel Castro visits Moscow and is taken on a tour by Leonid Brezhnev. First, they go for a drink, and Castro praises the beer. “Yes, it was provided by our good friends from Czechoslovakia,” says Brezhnev. Next, they go for a ride in a car, and Castro admires the car. “Yes, these cars are provided by our good friends from Czechoslovakia.”
They drive to an exhibition of beautiful cut glass, which Castro greatly admires. “Yes, this glass is provided by our good friends from Czechoslovakia.”
“They must be very good friends,” says Castro. “Yes,” says Brezhnev,” they must. —lrrrl, Reddit user. Here are our best military jokes ever.
Marx’s drink of choice
Why did Karl Marx dislike Early Grey tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Dark humor
Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights. Here are more hilarious puns.
A presidential quip
In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. —President John Adams
Washington’s habits
Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
Because he couldn’t lie. These 25 jokes will make you sound super smart, just like these history jokes.
Royal regrets
How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?
Baroque. —mnwinterite, Reddit user
Soviet rules
A man from the Soviet Union obtains a permit to move to the USA, and his new neighbor asks how he much he likes his new apartment, so he asks him what his apartment was like back in Russia.
“Oh, my old apartment was perfect. I could not complain.”
So his neighbor then asks him what his job was like back home.
“Oh, my old job was perfect. I could not complain.”
So the neighbor asks him what the food was like back in the USSR.
“Oh, the food was perfect. I could not complain.”
Puzzled, the neighbor finally asks him, if everything was so great in the Soviet Union, why did he move?
The man says, “Here I can complain.” —jbrav88, Reddit user. If you loved these history jokes, memorize the 12 jokes that make you sound like a genius.