A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

14 of the Most Hilarious 911 Calls Ever Placed

People are rarely thinking clearly when they dial 911. Fear, anxiety, and outrage have a way of clouding one’s thought processes. We’re assuming that’s the excuse these people are using.

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bathroom_funny 911 calls

My, what thin walls you have!

A Canadian woman dialed 911 after hearing yelling and shouting coming from her neighbor’s apartment. When cops arrived, they pounded on the door until the occupant finally opened up. That’s when they discovered that the man was in no danger. He’d just been having a rough time on the toilet. Source: web.orange.co.uk

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White smart mobile phone in jeans pocket
Africa Studio/Shutterstock

Next time, leave the phone at home

A burglar in Shelby County, Ohio, was caught by police after he accidentally butt-dialed 911 while breaking into a home. Making matters worse: The crook hid in a closet, but was ratted out by his phone yet again when the low battery alarm went off. Source: wdtn.com   Meet some more of the dumbest criminals of all time.

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Such a realistic picture, in HD

After receiving a frantic 911 call, the Regina, Canada, fire department raced off to battle an inferno at the local Canadian Football League stadium. The fire, it turns out, was a burning log displayed on the stadium’s giant video screen. Source: cbc.ca

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Oh, those? Those belong to, um, my friend

A man in Lincoln, Nebraska, learned that sometimes you just have to let it go, man. Just let it go. He arrived home one day to find he’d been burgled and that his favorite hookah pipes were missing. So he called the cops. But it was he who ended up in jail after police arrived and found the pot plants he was growing. Source: Azcentral.com

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overgrown yard_funny 911 calls
Daniel Bruce Lacy/Shutterstock

911? Emergency, I need a lawnmower!

A woman in Dacula, Georgia, contacted police when her Chevy van went missing. Later that day, the woman called back to report that the vehicle had been found. It was in her yard, hidden behind tall weeds. Source: dacula.patch.com     These are the funniest things people have ever found in their backyards.

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I just didn’t feel like going out

After making numerous calls to 911, a Lundar, Canada, man was warned that the next one would land him in jail. That prompted him to reveal his real reason for calling: “If you’re coming to get me,” he told the dispatcher, “can you bring me some smokes?” Source: Winnipeg FreePress    These are the funniest excuses people have ever used to get out of work.

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clouds moon_funny 911 calls
Viacheslav Lopatin/Shutterstock

ET called. He says stop phoning.

When a British man saw a mysterious flying object that lit up the sky he immediately called the authorities. But before the police could react, the man called back, saying mystery solved. The UFO was actually the moon. Source: Web.orange.co.uk

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heart monitor_funny 911 calls

You’re the proud mother of a healthy, seven-ton home

A woman in Kalispell, Montana, called police insisting that her neighbor’s loud music caused her house to develop a “heartbeat.” Source: The Beacon  

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The scaredy-cat crook

A Romanian man called police to report hearing a strange noise in the house he happened to be burgling. Police arrived and arrested the man, who, as it turned out, was the only one in the house, aside from the homeowner’s noisy cat. Source: Shortlist.com

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Italian Sub Sandwich with Salami, Tomato, and Lettuce. Selective focus.

Calling the lunch police!

A Jacksonville, Florida, man was so upset when a sandwich shop left the special sauce off his hero that he called 911 … twice. The first time was to ask if officers could make sure his sandwich was made properly. The second time, to complain that the cops weren’t responding fast enough to the first call. Source: USA Today   These are the funniest things fast food workers have ever seen at work.

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In the Old West, it was a hangin’ offense!

When a seven-year-old girl called 911 and then hung up, the Burnett, Wisconsin, police were dispatched to her home. When they arrived, they discovered the problem—the girl’s grandfather was cheating in a game of cards. Source: Ananova.com

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shower curtain_funny 911 calls
Samuel Plainfield/Shutterstock

If she took a shower once in a while, she might know these things

After Elaine Owens saw a red glow in her trailer’s bathroom, she called 911 to report a fire. When firemen showed up, they discovered that the flames were actually sunlight reflected off the shower curtain. Source: theworldlink.com

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kid bedtime_funny 911 calls
Stock Up/Shutterstock

To cry, to sleep no more

A ten-year-old Brockton, Massachusetts boy called 911, then abruptly hung up. When the dispatcher called back, she discovered the problem: Much to the boy’s annoyance, his mother was insisting that he go to bed. Source: boston.com    These are the funniest—and cutest—mistakes kids have ever made.

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Young man getting haircut from female hairdresser at salon

“Hello, fashion police?”

A Norwegian man dialed the police to complain that he was unable to leave the hair salon where he was getting a trim. Upon further investigation, police learned that the man couldn’t leave because he so loathed his haircut, he was too embarrassed to be seen. Source: newsinenglish.no   For more funny calls, check out these hilarious real calls to the Thanksgiving help-line.

Andy Simmons
Andy Simmons is a features editor at Reader's Digest.